Your Doula Can't Do It For You

One of my favorite things about birth is that every birth is different.  Some are totally awesome and others just suck to get through.  It varies from person to person and from kid to kid.  If you knew exactly how each birth would go, you would just plan for that experience.  That's the thing though -- no one knows how things will go down.  I like to think that it adds to the excitement!

The costs of adding to your family can be significant.  When you are planning an unmedicated birth, making choices that will help you achieve your goals is so important.  A childbirth class and a doula do add to the costs.  Of course, if you spend time with these people, they'll tell you what you really need with a new baby, which will probably save you money in the long run!

I've seen many couples hire a doula and call it good -- thinking the doula will be their childbirth class and advocate for them.  The assumption is that she'll help them every step of the way.  While this is partially true, it puts all the pressure on the doula and none on the parents.

Many doulas give discounts to couples who take a good childbirth class and birth with care providers who are natural birth friendly.  It makes their job not only easier, but more enjoyable.  They see the parents become empowered by making their own choices.  The doula is there for support and encouragement. She provides occasional education or information about something that may have come up in labor.

To not prepare physically, mentally, and emotionally for an unmedicated birth is irresponsible.  Remember my saying - "90% of birth is in your head, 10% is what happens to you."  I really do believe that.  Not just for moms, but for dads.  He needs to have his head in the game, too!

Are you ready for labor?  Do you know your stuff?  Labor is not the time to be learning or figuring things out.  It is often difficult enough when you are completely prepared!

I am obviously a proponent of hiring a doula, no matter where you are giving birth.  It benefits mom and dad.  I never hear people say that they wish they wouldn't have hired a doula, but I certainly have heard couples say they wish they had.

Childbirth education is my passion.  For me, education was the turning point, knowing I could do it, and having the tools to make it happen.  I want to see all couples being educated and then hiring a doula to help them maneuver through labor and their individual situation.

Your labor is your experience.  The doula is there to make you more comfortable, help you meet your goals, and enhance the experience.  She can't get in your head.  She can't take on the contractions for you.  Isn't is wonderful that no one can birth your baby but you?

A corny way to end this post?  Who cares!  People are always asking me about a gift to get their doula.  There are so many choices in beautiful jewelry.  I just found this necklace and loved it.  Your doula will too.

Happy birthing -- yourself -- but with a doula by your side -- and, of course, some good childbirth education behind you!

Political Correctness in the Birth Community

I enjoy expressing my opinion and writing this blog. The whole premise of Banned From Baby Showers is the freedom to say all the things you feel you can't elsewhere.  Maybe it's at a baby shower, a playgroup, a church meeting, or lunch with girlfriends.  It's that moment where you decide to keep your opinion (even if it's based on fact) to yourself in order to keep your friends.  Here, you don't have to do that.  Speak freely.

I honestly enjoy hearing what other people think, even when they disagree with me.  No, really.  I'm OK with it.  I've always said, as long as it's kept respectful, free of foul language and hate, speak your mind.  Of course, it's more fun when people agree with me, but it's unrealistic.  It would be boring if we all had the same opinion on everything.

My husband and I are of differently political parties.  We don't really discuss politics at home though.  When we do, our kids hear both sides, so I guess that's good.  I've had so many people tell me that it would make them crazy if their spouse were of a different political party, but I love him much more than I do politics or any opinion either of us might hold.  This week I did tell him that I was slightly disturbed that the push for the "morning after" pill doesn't bother him.  But it was one of those moments when I thought, I'm not going to change his mind by arguing with him and telling him that he's wrong.  He's not wrong for having an opinion that is different than mine.  It was respectful and the discussion was over as quickly as it started.

With that little bit of history, I had an experience this week that I found indicative of the direction society -- including the birth community --  is heading and it really bugged me.  On my BFBS Facebook page, I expressed what I thought of a picture that was floating around in my newsfeed.  It had nothing to do with the photographer, but that's how things got all twisted around.  I should mention that I never look at who takes a picture because I honestly don't care.  If I were a photographer, I might care, but I'm not.  I don't even really know what makes one picture artistically better than another.  I am clueless.  When one photographer critiques another, I don't get it.  They all look the same to me.  Full disclosure about just how clueless I really am.  But I sometimes think that pictures are interesting, sad, angry, or intensely happy.  In this case, I thought it was weird.  I jumped over to my BFBS Facebook page and said so.  I was kind of laughing and kind of shivering all at once!  Then I moved on with my day, shuttling kids around to their various activities.

I started getting texts telling me I started a riot.  Don't try to go read it - I deleted it.  It brought all the crazies out.  Here's where my problem is.  I was told my opinion was WRONG and that I was being mean.  Before that, there were a handful of comments that disagreed with me, which I was fine with. I am not going to have my words twisted around by someone who wants to take me down.  Nothing I said had come from a mean place.  That is not who I am.

This is what I see that is happening in the natural birth community:  It's offensive to say "you can have an amazing birth" because you might offend the people who struggle with infertility.  It's offensive to say "husband" because so many people aren't married or you might alienate the gay community.  To tell people that you loved your birth is a slap in the face to those that required a c-section.  The list goes on and on.  No one can share their experience because they might offend someone else.  Give me a break.

We've got one blogger who has taken it upon herself to police the other bloggers and make sure they are all politically correct and not making anyone else "feel bad".  She is telling people their opinion is WRONG.  The birth community has been brainwashed to think we have to stroke everyone's ego so their feelings aren't hurt.  Are we that fragile as women? Are we so self-centered to think everything is about us?  Honestly, no one can express an opinion EVER because you might hurt someone's feelings and said blogger will come after you.  Said blogger has bullied me and others - telling us who to "like" and not "like" on Facebook, what's "appropriate" to say and not say, and actively trying to turn others against us.  I hate bullies.  I wrote a post last year with said blogger in mind.  It's called Bullying on the Playground of Life.  For the record, I have never posted to someone else's page and told them they are wrong for having their opinions or supporting things that I do not.  It's not my place.  Banned From Baby Showers is my page.  I will not be treated this way on my own page.

Before you express your OPINION, please stop and think "Am I telling this person her opinion is wrong?  Am I respecting her right to her opinion, even if it's not politically correct or my opinion?"

The joke is that I should just write "vanilla" -- plain-Jane, non-offensive posts -- so that my words are not twisted.  Quite honestly, I'm not sure I know which those are.  I didn't think my comments this week were particularly offensive, just my simple observation and opinion.  It was in true Banned From Baby Showers form.

I am not a mean person.  I generally like people.  I would never post something malicious to pick a fight.  I just have an opinion.   I think I'm amusing.  I like a good discussion, but not so much a fight. Like you, I am very busy.  I don't have time for a pointless fight and neither do you! Facebook is the biggest time-suck on the planet. We all have children who want us to get off Facebook.  Go have a good day, and remember, everyone is entitled to an opinion, even if you don't agree.  Just because you disagree, it doesn't mean they are wrong.

I would like to keep writing this blog, but if this trend of walking on eggshells continues, writing is not fun.  I'd rather not write than have to worry who might get offended at my words that are not written with hatred.  Like I said this week, I really hate "vanilla".  Forgive me if I keep writing with a little spice.  If you hate me or what I write, you are invited to either politely disagree or step away.

Breastfeeding Advocacy in Texas

A couple of weeks ago I blogged about a nurse-in that took place at Ft. Worth Magaizne after an advice columnist called breastfeeding in public "ick".   One of the women following the nurse-in contacted me about some Texas bills on the table. Rather than me tell you about them, I asked if she would write us a post, keeping us all in the loop.

I mentioned in my post that I feel that nursing in public is harder now than it was when I was breastfeeding just a few years ago.  It is important that we all do what we can to promote the normalization of breastfeeding so new mothers don't have to fight to feed their babies in public.  

Thank you Krisdee Donmoyer for writing this post to help us understand the laws and our real rights.  

"I am a stay-at-home mom with three sons, ages 10 months to 7.5 years.  I've felt strongly about breastfeeding since before my first son was born, but when I was told to move to a private room 8 months ago while discreetly nursing my baby in the empty lobby of our school, advocacy became my calling.  I went through proper channels at my school district (Austin Independent School District) for two months, asking for a mother & baby-friendly breastfeeding policy, & when they put the opposite in writing, I went public, asking for letters to the district through the Facebook page & blog I started, Keep Austin Nursing in Public.  I'm now the Outreach Coordinator for Central Texas Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition, as well, and I have been very involved in a grassroots effort to garner support for the breastfeeding bills in the House this session.

There are laws that aim to help mothers meet their breastfeeding goals, but existing laws leave room for improvement.  Currently there are two bills in the Texas House Calendars Committee which would strengthen breastfeeding legislation.  And Texans can help make this happen, in as much or as little time as they have to spend supporting them.  

Passed in 1995, Texas Health & Safety Code 165.002 states that a woman has the right to breastfeed her baby anywhere she is authorized to be.  Most women who breastfeed can do so in public without ever being harassed.  But it does happen, and that knowledge and the fear of it happening serves as a barrier to breastfeeding for many women.  In fact, 40% of women cite worrying about nursing in public as their greatest barrier to breastfeeding.   2012 Lansinoh Breastfeeding Study for more on this study.   House Bill 1706  would go a long way to abate the fear of nursing in public.

In its present form, the law can be circumvented by revoking a mother's authority to be in a place of public accommodation.  Moms may think that it's already illegal to infringe on their rights, but as terrific as it is, 165.002 simply states that we have a right.  HB 1706 closes that loophole, making it illegal to toss a mother out, or even to interfere with or restrict breastfeeding.

It also provides for education that the law exists, via the Comptroller's office.  If you're a breastfeeding advocate, it may be hard to imagine that not everyone knows there is a law about nursing in public, but many people have no idea.  So this aspect of HB 1706 is huge.

Still, knowing a law is on the books doesn't mean all people will follow it.  Moms who have faced discrimination since 1995 have told their harassers that they're protected by law, but that hasn't always stopped the discrimination.  In large part, that's because they're not truly protected.  HB 1706 will change that by giving our right-to-breastfeed law an enforcement provision - a consequence for flouting the law.  If a mother's right is violated, she will have the right to sue for damages not to exceed $500 plus reasonable attorney fees.  Realizing that they could have a lawsuit on their hands if they ignore the law, business owners are more likely not only to follow it, but to train their employees so that they will follow it as well.  Far from resulting in rampant lawsuits (which are likely to be cost prohibitive for families, and may not interest the majority of lawyers), the mere possibility of a lawsuit will decrease harassment incidents, paving the way for increased breastfeeding rates.

The other bill, HB 741, supports mothers in the work place.  Though about 80% of Texas mothers initiate breastfeeding, by six months, only 13.7% are still breastfeeding exclusively, despite the recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization to breastfeed exclusively for the full first six months.  Breastfeeding rates begin to drop off around the time that mothers return to work, and are trying to balance the demands of their job with the need to express milk with a breast pump on the same supply and demand schedule as their baby.  The need for time and a place to pump led to the Fair Labor Standards Act requiring reasonable accommodations for hourly employees. However, salaried employees are exempt.  HB 741 extends those accommodations to salaried public employees, including teachers.  

Both of these bills are vital to changing the culture in our state to one that is more supportive of breastfeeding.  A more supportive culture will lead to improved breastfeeding rates, which will significantly improve the economy as well as public health.  So we are all stakeholders in this.

At the moment, the bills are in the Calendars Committee.  If they are set for a date on the House floor as soon as possible, there will be time for them to be voted on by the 150 House Representatives, and if they pass them, they'll go to the 31 Texas Senators for another vote.

It's easy to support the bills, to be a part of this historic legislation.  You can spend just five minutes sending a sample email you personalize a bit to legislators whose email addresses are all in one place for you at TXBFLeg.com.  It doesn't take long at all to call legislators, and a phone call also makes a great impact.

Have more than five minutes?  Want to do more?  There's plenty to be done. Contact USBFLeg@gmail.com and join the grassroots movement to support legislation that will support breastfeeding moms and babies."


This is Donna again.  Side note I wanted to add about contacting your legislators.  There is also things going on at the state level with our Texas birth centers.  I was recently asked to go to Austin to meet with my state rep about this bill.  There were about 25 of us that went to this initial meeting. Before heading to the capital building, it was made very clear -- if you have to breastfeed your baby during your meeting, LEAVE the room.  Do you think these breastfeeding and birth advocates and professionals liked hearing that?  Of course not.  I understood it though.  We do not want to be seen as hippy radicals who are in-your-face, not if we are to make real impact.  Make no mistake, I wore my cowboy boots to the capital building and my hair was extra big that day.  :-)

So, when you contact your state rep, whether by phone or email, be respectful and professional.  That will be heard -- and listened to -- more than the anger that we sometimes feel over this issue.  Good luck!  I do believe that we have the power to make positive change for this next generation of breastfeeding mothers.

Breastfeeding - The "ICK" Factor

I am conservative in nearly all areas of my life.  I am a generally a rule follower too.  Unless, of course, the "rules" are stupid, in which case I have no problem speaking up.  

This week in Ft. Worth has been eventful.  An advice columnist in Ft. Worth Magazine posted a nasty response to a question about breastfeeding etiquette in church.  You can read the (short) article here.   I admit, it was incredibly rude and stupid, but I found it as entertaining as I did offensive.  I might add that I was also offended by the "Also check to make sure your phone is on silent so that I am not subjected to whatever lame Country song you have downloaded for your ringtone" comment.  

As you can imagine, people were - rightfully so - up in arms.  It's amazing the article was published, but I suspect they all found it humorous and didn't think much of it.  The salt on the wound came when the writer and the magazine apparently refused to apologize, so the breastfeeding moms of Ft. Worth organized a Nurse-In with over 140 in attendance.  We have an amazing natural birth and breastfeeding community!

Back to the "ick" statement.  I've decided that the only thing that really changes people's minds about breastfeeding is either doing it themselves or being around it A LOT, like every day. Talking about nourishment, baby's right to eat, mom's right to breastfeed, etc. -- well, no one cares.  People just think it's gross.  I had a guy in class several years ago who was super freaked out about his wife breastfeeding in public.  Of course, she had the baby, he lived and breathed life with a breastfeeding baby...  yadda, yadda, yadda, he didn't want to sit in a restaurant by himself, she breastfeeds wherever, whenever.  It became normal because it was their life. He witnessed the normality of breastfeeding and changed his tune.

So why the "ick"?  It was a woman who wrote the article, not a man.  I guess I could see how men only want to see breasts as sexual.  It's kind of a bummer to see them in action feeding a baby.  I hear women use the argument "That's what they are for," but that's only half correct.  Breasts are sexual and that cannot be ignored.

Let's talk about sexy breasts for a minute.  We have become so accustomed to seeing breasts pushed up, exposed cleavage, plunging necklines, and seductive poses.  It's all about arousal.  Thumb through a National Geographic (remember snickering at those when you were in elementary school?) and seeing topless women in villages in Africa and there's nothing sexy about it.  It's all about how breasts are portrayed to make you think and feel. Normal women with normal breasts don't typically look like the women in the media.  Most women have normal, non-greased-up-and-shiny breasts.

My point here is that it's OK that breasts are sexual and are capable of feeding a baby.  They are dual purpose.  I have a friend that calls breasts and genitalia "life-giving parts" and explains to her kids that we cover those parts because they are sacred.  Follow me here.  I'm still on the "ick" factor... If someone has not breastfed a baby or been around breastfeeding A LOT, they really only see breasts as sexual.  Everyone knows that breasts produce milk (giving life), but many have never been exposed to breastfeeding. (Pun intended.)  Because it is so ingrained, I don't know that their minds can be changed without life experience.

If you have read my blog for a long time, you know how I feel about breastfeeding covers. These weren't around during my 7+ years of breastfeeding. I have never thought these would be good for breastfeeding. Turns out I was right.  Look what is happening in our culture. Things are worse for breastfeeding moms when they are out in public than ever before. There is now a very strong feeling by the general population that breastfeeding should be covered or hidden.  It is expected.  I honestly believe that the (stupid) "hooter hider" covers are  partially to blame.

Back to the article this week, one of our Birth Boot Camp Instructors was interviewed on the radio this week, as she herself breastfeeds in church. Hear it here.  The interviewer made the comment at the end, "My mom didn't breastfeed me because she just likes me as a friend." That statement is ICK!  Janie (the interviewee) jumped on that right away and asked if he was implying that breastfeeding is sexual, to which he adamantly denied.  Whatever dude.  Whatever.

I know what you are thinking now - is Donna saying that we should be out there more than ever?  In your face?  Uh, no.  Do I think breastfeeding women should cover?  Uh, no.

I subscribe to the idea that people really do need to be around breastfeeding to become comfortable.  But it's not going to happen in their one encounter with you!  I propose that women simply modestly breastfeed wherever they might be.  Make eye contact.  Smile.  The argument from the "ickers" seems to be that breastfeeding women are "making a show" of it, which is ridiculous.  (Don't give them ammunition - don't make a show of it!)

I don't want to see any woman and baby banished from wherever they might find themselves - even church! - to a bathroom or their car.  A timely and a very awesome post by The Feminist Breeder  sums it up.  Next week, we will plan on diving into Breastfeeding Activism and the most effective way to go about this sensitive topic.  In the meantime, I'm headed off to a very awesome Birth Boot Camp Instructor training workshop this week.  Woo-hoo! Join us!

More No Poo! - The Curly Cut

Are you sick of this topic yet?!  OK, one more post.

I cheated on my hair dresser I've seen for 8 years and went for my curly cut with someone else.  (I'll get to that part of the story in a minute.)  Yes, she cut it dry and then washed it and styled it.  Now, you may know this, but I did not.  I discovered there really are No-Poo products made by Deva Curl. Like a great-smelling cleanser and conditioner and gels.  (I sell Scentsy and am obsessed with the way things smell.  This is huge.) I love them!  I must admit, however, I like the way my hair felt with the apple cider vinegar rinse - not quite so soft - and easier to hold, if that makes sense at all.  Yes, I like the curly cut and she showed me a few tricks to make it fuller at the root - using clips to dry it.  I never ever use a blow dryer except on my bangs, so this has been an adjustment for me.  If you are in Ft. Worth, I'd definitely recommend the Curly Cut at The Curly Tree.

The story that goes with the curly cut is quite humorous.

If you know me at all, you know how nervous I've been to cheat on my hair dresser.  I've seen the same woman for 8 years!  She's been with me through many Tim McGraw shows and appearances, 3 TV spots, and the regular every-6-weeks color appointments.  We know each other.  We do the same thing at nearly every appointment.  So to make an appointment with anyone else....  Well, it felt like total betrayal.

I had my curly cut on a Friday.  My color appointment was scheduled for Tuesday.  She always calls and reminds us of our appointments on Monday. When she called, she immediately went into this long story about a dream she had woke up to that morning about how I had gone somewhere else for a cut and color.  I cut my hair super short, like 2" - I looked like a boy - and did my hair this funky color.  In the dream I was begging her to fix it.  I told her I was trying to do what was popular by "peppering" my hair. (?????)  She was so upset and wondering what she had done to make me go somewhere else...

Silence...

So, I had to tell her I actually did go somewhere else for the curly cut.  More silence.  Oh my heck.  It was awful.  And awkward. The rest of the conversation was quite strained as she asked about the cut.  While I could be wrong, I sensed some defensiveness, too.

You better believe my hair looked AWESOME when I went in for my appointment the next morning.  Usually I show up in a baseball hat.  I wanted her to see that this was a good move for me and my hair.  She had had 24 hours to think about it and was not defensive, but complimentary. Actually, she went on and on about how great it looked.  Whew!

This is the same hair dresser that has hated the no-poo thing from day one. But over the last 15 months, she has admitted that my hair is healthier and doing great.  Despite that, she still does not fully support my no-poo lifestyle.  Until...  Her sales rep she buys products from was in her office collecting orders when I was putting my plop on my head.  She saw that I was using the Deva Curl gel and said she sells those products too.  She admitted that she uses No-Poo too.  All of sudden, I wasn't a freak in the eyes of my hair dresser!  I used to spend a lot of money with her on color shampoo and now she is back in business. It was all about the timing, I guess.

I could go on about the parallels between breaking up with your OB and the similarities to breaking up with your hair lady.  I know this cut is better, but it was very hard.  I like my hair lady, but I need something different now, now that I have more information about how to handle my curly hair. Information I didn't have before. Frankly, you can draw your own analogy here.  I'm too dang tired.

I have 2 hair ladies now.  One for color, one for the curly cut.  They both complimented the job the other is doing.  All is well.  The end.

Happy Birthday to Birth Boot Camp!

Wow!  This time last year, we had no idea where Birth Boot Camp would be a year down the road.  Actually, we wrote a great post over at the Birth Boot Camp blog letting you know about our statistics for our first year out of the gate.  This hasn't been shared anywhere yet, so head on over and check it out.

We have over 30 instructors and 40 more in the wings, representing more than 20 states and 3 countries.

When you head over to the Birth Boot Camp blog, you'll get to check out our statistics for our LIVE CLASSES and also our ONLINE CLASSES.

On April 1st, we'll be announcing our 2014 schedule.  Check our blog and the Birth Boot Camp Facebook page for details.  The demand has been overwhelming to bring Birth Boot Camp to different cities, so we are traveling to 3 different cities next year.  We are also in Southern California THIS SEPTEMBER!

If you are interested in becoming an Instructor, apply today.  If you'd like to take a class, visit BirthBootCamp.com to find a live instructor.  If there is not an instructor in your area yet, take the 10-week class online.

I can't wait to see what the next year brings.  Happy 1st birthday Birth Boot Camp!

"You CAN Have an Amazing Birth!" or teach an amazing birth class!

"How Dare You Tell Me I Can Have a Natural Birth!"

Since when did the phrase "You can do it!" become offensive?  When someone cheers you on, you say thank you, right?  Except when it comes to natural childbirth.  Repeatedly over the years, I have told women things like "You could totally have a natural birth!" or "You are strong!  You can do it!" Rarely do I get a response of confidence and excitement.  In fact, often it seems that I've offended her by telling her that she could do it.  She usually begins listing all the reasons why she can't do it -- or why her doctor has told her she shouldn't even try.

Why do so many women want to believe they can't do it?  And why are they offended when someone else tells them they can?  When I say that to someone, it's not because I want them to do what I think they should do, but it's because I honestly believe they really can do it!  It's a compliment!

I think every blog post comes back to fear, doesn't it?  Fear of the unknown. Fear of the pain.  Fear of disappointing someone.  Fear of standing up to the OB and expressing your wishes.  Fear of not being heard.  Fear of becoming a mother.  Fear of being a weirdo.  Fear of not doing what everyone else is doing.  Fear of being called a hippie.

Even the strongest of women will turn over all control when it comes to childbirth.  Perhaps they are an expert in their own field, so they are willing to let the "expert" do their thing when it comes to their birth.  It's been said many times since The Business of Being Born came out that women spend more time researching their wedding, new car, new phone, etc. than they do their birth.  To the "birth junkies" this is mind boggling, right?  It's not because these women don't love their babies - they just don't think that birth is important.  Their ideas about birth have come from the media and baby showers.  Birth is scary and dangerous.  If you want a live baby, you do what your doctor tells you to do.

Telling someone they can have a natural birth puts responsibility on them. They would have to take back the control.  They would probably want to do a class besides the hospital class, which is likely more time consuming and costs more money.  It's true.  I assure you, the memory of how your child enters the world will be etched in your memory.  It will likely become more important to you than your wedding day or a silly cell phone.  And, honestly, it's a pretty awesome experience for dad too, as long as he's prepared!

I met someone at church a few weeks ago with several children.  He asked what David and I do for a living. He was much more interested in my career than David's - of course, he's a CPA so that's understandable!  He said he always wished his wife had given birth without the drugs.  Fortunately, she wasn't still standing there!  I have thought about that several times since he made that comment, however.  How many men want to tell their wives "You can do it!  I believe in you!  You are strong!" but are afraid?

I've been on the other side of fear, ladies.  It sucks.  I was scared to death to have my first baby.  I did the epidural.  I nearly had a c-section as a result of all the intervention.  I was one of the lucky ones who happen to be fully dilated when my baby started having signs of distress.  I was able to push my baby out in the nick of time.  I was lucky.

It's an awesome experience to push through that fear - literally - and come out on the other side and say "I did it!"  There is no feeling like it in the world. Next time someone tells you you can/should have a natural birth, thank them for their confidence.

I didn't want to hear the words "You can do it!"   I get it.  It was easier to believe I couldn't do it than to believe I could.  If you have someone in your life who tells you "You can do it!" ask them for details on how to make that happen.

"You CAN Have an Amazing Birth!"